Even Though I Walk Through the Valley

As I round the bend toward home I see #3 and #4 child sitting on the front steps waiting for their mama to return. Pieces of paper in their hands indicate news. They spot me, jump up excitedly –wildly waving said pieces of paper. As they run toward the van I can hear them through the closed windows, “We got our teachers! We got our teachers!”

One child, face beaming with delight and excitement. The other child, face downcast, dejected, eyes threatening to spill over with hot tears. One received her desired teacher of choice and can’t wait for the first day. The other received the teacher we were asking the Lord to withhold and stomach knots have already formed, tears now spilling, small frail child climbing up in my lap as I stay seated in the driver seat.

We prayed this would not happen – the unwanted teacher. The broken heart. The difficult, fretful start to a new school year.

Later that evening the news comes of a friend’s young adult son dying tragically in an accident. Thrown from the car. Dead on arrival.

Another friend on another day confused in a foggy depression. Months of struggle. Unemployment, health problems, marriage tension.

Yet another- sharing news, trembling, that the bundle of joy in her womb is now still, silent, no more … again. Her second one in less than a year.

The Pastor and the church are doing this Psalm reading thing. Read 5 Psalms a day. The whole church – tracking together. The morning sermon was on Psalm 23. So familiar yet still new and still meeting needs.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…”

Pain all around. Deep sorrow. Piercing grief. Fearful agony. 

An insecure friend fighting her own demons of doubt and unworthiness.

A wife’s premonition that her husband is less than faithful.

A teen’s betrayal by a close friend who chooses others over her time and time again.

A heart weary of doing the good everyday… pressing on… waiting in hope.

After the sermon a time to come forward and pray. First the broken mother and father of the dead  son – coming for hugs, prayer and support, tears flowing. Mother motions toward the 3 other rows of friends and family who accompanied them to church in honor and love. Family after family file up to the front until there is a massive mob of arms holding each other on the outside rim keeping the bodies together. Intermittently through the invitation song an arm or hand here or there breaks free and points up to heaven praising the one who walks with them in the valley. Giving glory to Him, all present, all knowing, who comforts.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me…”

Maybe we had it all wrong – Maybe I had it all wrong.

Praying for a different teacher –praying against this one. We were also praying for the “right” teacher. The teacher that God thought our child needed.

Maybe that is what he delivered.  Maybe this IS what she needs.

Can my child “fear no evil for [God is with her]?” “[God’s] rod and [His] staff they comfort [her]?” 

She will have to make the choice to accept it. This is her valley. A huge voluminous valley when viewed by 9 year old eyes. This feels like life and death. Her response and attitude will set the pace and course for her year. I pray she feels her Savior’s arms wrapped tightly around her little frame as she walks into class that first day.

And my friend with her mob of family and friends – she is already walking securely with her Savior – leaning heavily on him during her own first dark days with the empty seat at the family table.  The missing hugs and laughter at the holidays.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.“ James 1:2

God sees the big picture. These trials and tragedies are part of the larger plan to grow us into stronger children of the King.

Psalm 23 has widened the canvas of my thinking. 

“His rod and his staff, they comfort me.” The rod and staff are used for correction and guidance to keep us on course and away from the wrong path.

These are hard lessons to learn. Heart wrenching lessons of looking intently at the mirror of His Word –walking through the tragedy with Him - and coming away changed. 

The empty womb. The empty bank account. The dark morning depression. What then?

“Even though I walk…” “Consider it pure joy…” “I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” “…they comfort me.”

Liar! Liar! Emotions - Part 3

I am exhausted by my emotions this week. 

No I am defeated…and not by my emotions really but by the lies generating the emotions.

My head is full of lies. 

Yes, I lie to myself –even when I don’t know it. 

These lies begin to work their evil and my unconscious response is an emotion. The emotion rises to the surface and I feel it. Often I do not know why I am feeling it until I check in and try to figure out the root cause. This search brings me face to face with a lie.

But where do the lies come from? How are they created?

Several professional authors and counselors that I have read and listened to say some of these lies start back when we were young and can be labeled as core beliefs. These “core beliefs” are facts that we believe about ourselves according to what others told us or taught us. I also think these lies/beliefs come from a combination of my sin nature, messages I receive from media/movies/television, comparing myself with my friends and family and of course, Satan working his evil in my mind, trying to knock me off the path toward Christ.

“Be self controlled and alert. You enemy, the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith…” 1 Peter 5:8&9a

Sometimes it can be days before I realize I have begun to believe a lie about myself or my circumstances. 

Months even. 

Definitely years. 

I believed several lies about myself for about 30 years before a dedicated counseling friend brought me to the brink of reality and gently opened my emotional and spiritual eyes.

What are some of the lies you and I believe? Here is a sampling…

“There is really nothing good about me. I am dumb, ugly and worthless.”

“No one would really love me for who I am. I must earn love.”

“My kid’s behavior shows whether I am a good or bad mom.”

“My house should be picked up and clean most of the time.”

“It is VERY important for people to like me.”

“I need to look like the women in the magazines and on TV.”

“It is a sign of weakness to ask for help.”

“If I am not the best at something, it is not worth even trying.”

“My kids need to be involved in lots of activities or they will miss out and not be well adjusted.”

“I cannot be overweight because people will think less of me.”

“My husband won’t love me if I can’t keep the house and kids under control.”

“If I am not attractive and taking care of myself, my husband will let his eyes look elsewhere.”

“God doesn’t really care about the little details of my life.”

“I am a failure.”

“Nobody really likes me.”

Several heavy emotions are tied to each one of these lies. Can you even imagine what condition you would be in if you believed all these lies and carried all those emotions?

Many of us do it all the time. 

This is what I discovered this week when I found myself exhausted emotionally. I had begun to believe some awful lies about myself again. Those old companions from the past had crept back into my mind.

We are not meant to bear these emotionally charged burdens. 

In the same passage as above, Peter says, “Humble yourselves, therefore under God’s mighty hand that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6&7)

What I have found helpful when faced with my own lies is to search for the counter truth in scripture that will cause those lies to dissolve and disappear. 

John 8:31&32 says, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”

I need freedom from the lies. We all need freedom. True freedom is only found through Christ Jesus.

Search scripture for the truth! The truth will set you free!

What is the truth about how, when or even “if” God loves me?

What is the truth about what God has called me to do as a wife/mother?

What is the truth about my self worth and usefulness to society?

What is the truth about my role in my marriage?

All these answers can be found in the Bible. We need to be reading it enough to find those truths. Then when we come face to face with the lies (and the Liar) we can counter attack with Truth and be set Free!

This is good work and will result in great forward motion toward becoming a healthier person! You are worth it!  FREEDOM is worth it!

SO WHAT!?

You have probably guessed what today’s homework entails.

1. Check in with yourself and listen carefully for the lies lurking behind the emotions are you are feeling. Identify as many lies as possible.

For example:

You are saying to yourself, “I just can’t keep up with all of this housework! I feel so frustrated and overwhelmed!”

After some thought…Lie identified: “I am not a good mom/wife unless my house is clean all of the time for my family.” This lie has several facets. Obviously it is good to clean your house and do your best to keep things picked up and manageable, but to become overly upset and angry about the situation that you are depressed, defeated and/or lashing out at children or husband is a warning sign that keeping a clean house has become more than just a chore. It has become a belief. This lie could also be tied to “I am worthless.” “I can’t do anything right.” Pick the whole situation apart until you get to ALL of the ugly lies then counter them with truth.

2. Search the scriptures to find the truths to counter the lies. Meditate on those scriptural truths. In the past I had made a list of my lies and the counter truths. I have found that over the years, the lies have changed and so the counter truths need to also. 

Example continued:Truth from scripture

You say: I am not worthless.

The Bible says: “I am God’s workmanship…” Ephesians 2:10. “God so loved the world, (me) that he gave his only Son…” John 3:16.

You say: I can do things right.

The Bible says: “I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me...” Philippians 1:6. When I do things wrong I can learn and grow and change for the better.

Keep working on it! If you are like me, some of these lies have been with you for a LONG time and may take some time to excavate your heart. Your freedom is at stake. Keep up the good work!

I pray that God gives you some quiet moments this week to reflect and work through these lies.

There are so many books and authors that I could point you to about lies. I hesitate to do so because I think the first place we need to start is with THE BOOK, the Holy Bible. Get your hands on His inspired Holy Word today. If you need help processing through some of those lies or situations, contact me! I would love to hear your story. We can learn together.

You can always check out what I have been reading by going to the blog website and browsing my bookshelf on the right hand side. Very eclectic! Enjoy!

A New You = A Healthy Wife!

A New You = A Healthy Wife!

Of course I would never set out to start a blog, name it A Healthy Wife, and write about healthy wifey things sounding holier than thou because all you other wives need to get your acts together and I am the healthiest wife.

Not a chance!

No, I am NOT on a rant because I received negative feedback from a reader and need to set the story straight.

I AM on a soapbox because I want to make sure I clearly share my heart with my readers.

God, through his providence and grace has allowed my husband and I to experience an “extreme mercy” on His behalf. There are many small stories of grace and mercy along the way, but the extreme part came with a moral failure. This failure led to devastation in our marriage, ministry, family/friends, health, reputation, and work.

After intense molding and shaping on the Potter’s wheel, I am passionate about supporting other hurting women in similar circumstances. I write from my heart and my experiences -with the hope that something I write may encourage or spur another woman forward in her quest for emotional and relational health. 

The heartfelt mission behind “A Healthy Wife” blog is to create a supportive community among hurting women and share that there is freedom and healing available through a relationship with Jesus Christ.

There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus Christ, alone, saved out marriage.

Did we have to do a lot of soul searching and gut wrenching work? YES. Years worth and it continues on.

Did we hate each other at times?

Were we separated?

Did we put our therapist’s kids through a few years of college with all the fees we paid for counseling?

Yes, yes, and probably yes.

Did the hope that we found in Christ and his offer of second chance redemption give us enough of a spark to press on toward a “someday” trust again, “someday” heal these wounds?

Definitely, Yes. 

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waves roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.” Psalm 46:1-3

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19a

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” 

Hebrews 10: 23, 24

If it were not for Christ in our own hearts and lives we would not be where we are today. God gave us the ability to do all of the hard work required to begin healing our broken marriage.

I will never claim that our marriage or any marriage is completely healed. Every relationship we have is a process – a continuing journey toward better health and deeper communication and intimacy.

Sorry to pop anyone’s bubble, but no one ever completely “arrives” here on Earth. When we reach heaven we will be as complete as possible.

“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” I Corinthians 13:12

My heart is so full with the hope of healing for others who are struggling as wives and mothers. There is so much hope and promise in a relationship with Christ.

A “relationship with Jesus” may sound weird to those who are not familiar with those phrases, but it is as easy as this:

Admit that you have no control over your own life. You do bad things and need a higher power to help you stop doing these “sins”. Jesus is that higher power and he alone can save you.

Jesus said in the Bible, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father (God) except through me.” John 14:6

The Bible also says, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 6:23

All humans are in this “sin” dilemma and need forgiveness.

Believe that Jesus Christ came to Earth to pay the penalty for your sins by giving his life for yours. He then was resurrected and returned to heaven where you will be with him forever when you die.

“But God demonstrates His own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 

“For the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 3:23.

“Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the Scriptures.” I Corinthians 15:3,4

“Believe on the Lord Jesus and you will be saved.” Acts 16:31

We all have a sin debt and Jesus paid it with his life. If you believe that he really did pay that debt you are FULLY forgiven and made new. Jesus is the only one who can fill the empty hole you have in your heart.

Commit to now live your new life by God’s direction and in obedience to God.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

My relationship with Jesus Christ has made the biggest difference in who I am today. I would not have survived the pain of my broken marriage and life without Him carrying me through. If you have made this decision today or would like to talk more about this – please leave a comment on the blog post or privately email me at pandshuber@gmail.com. It would be my pleasure to connect with you.

After making this decision it is really important that you find a group of other Bible believing people in your area. You may have to search the Internet to find a good church that you can attend. Growing and learning with other people who believe the Bible is very important. You will also need to get a copy of the Holy Bible and begin reading it. I would recommend starting in the section called “John”. There are many versions of the Bible out there. If you have a choice I would recommend an easy to read version of the Bible known as the New International Version or NIV for short. All of the verses in this post were taken from that version.

With a Bible in hand and a church to attend you will be well on your way to growing and healing.