Word Power

“Honey, why does it smell like bleach in here?” I ask with caution preparing myself for the answer. 

I have destroyed a number of items with bleach in my day, so I approach the dining room smell -wary and poised for attack.

“I used some spray to clean off the table.” Says Husband trying to be helpful.

“What spray?” I ask, eyes widening with impending terror.

“The Clorox spray. This one.” Husband proudly holds up white spray bottle with Clorox green label.

“OH MY GOODNESS. NO! YOU CAN’T USE BLEACH ON A WOOD FINISH! YOU need to rinse it off RIGHT AWAY or it will RUIN the TABLE!” I spew out these commands trying to be as nice as possible, but in my head I’m thinking, “You IDIOT! DIDN’T YOU KNOW THAT! What were you thinking! Why would you do that? Dumb Husband.”

Pause.

I have a way of flying off the handle in a moment of crisis to fix a problem, but when the crisis is addressed and I look around at the aftermath of the battle no one is left standing among the rubble of cutting words, hurt feelings, shouted commands, broken psyches, and lost souls.

Uggghhhhh! I did it again. I opened my mouth. Let loose the gate.

Great…. What did I just say… What did I just think… Who heard all of that?

Instant conviction.

“May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14.

“My dear (sisters), take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for (wo)man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” James 1:19 & 20

My mouth has gotten me into a boatload of trouble – especially in my marriage.

Oh – It would be easy to blame “Hollywood” for their weak portrayal of the male race. They more often than not portray men in sitcoms and movies as stupid, unengaged, emotionally weak and only attuned to sports, sex and grilling large chunks of meat. On the flip side Hollywood seems to be saying that if men don’t hone in on those three areas but instead help with housework, enjoy the arts, cook well, converse with and care for others, then they must be gay.

Such stereotypes. None of them true.

I really have no one to blame, but me. I came into the world thinking my way was the best way. If you didn’t like it or didn’t want to do it then YOU were wrong- NOT me.

Some call this “a strong will”. I joke that my parents broke James Dobson’s book, The Strong Willed Child over my backside by spanking me with it. It is no secret in my family that I was the child who received the most spankings. I was VERY strong willed, stubborn and had my opinions whether I verbalized them or not.

My husband and I have both known couples from our past and present where the wife mutilated her husband verbally on a regular basis. We saw it in youth leaders, friends, and co-workers. Looking back it does not surprise us to learn that some of these marriages have ended in divorce, some have entered into Christian counseling, and some are just stagnant and emotionally dead. How sad.

In our marriage the heavy dose of counseling we received as a result of Husband’s infidelity (see Prince Charming post) opened my eyes to the role my mouth played in the health of our relationship. I could see the destruction my words had caused and were causing. Every time I tore down my husband in private but especially in public (like with my friends) I was willingly destroying a small part of his heart and a large piece of our marriage. After years of this, I can only imagine the condition of his heart toward me and the death sentence being served to our marriage.

Now here is the rub.

Does my husband do things that upset me? YES!

But do I NEED to respond by biting his head off or making him look like an idiot to our friends? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Not if I want a healthy marriage and a husband who in turn says uplifting things about me and shows me love.

Basically if I truly began showing him love and respect, he would respond with love and respect.

Instead of biting at my husband’s actions and character each day I could be looking for positives to reinforce. If I could only find one positive, then I reinforced that one positive. This took practice. I forced my mouth to obey and my heart followed.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29

This practice worked okay but I realized there was a BIGGER PROBLEM -my heart.

“The good (wo)man brings good things out of the good stored up in h(er) heart, and the evil (wo)man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in h(er) heart. For out of the overflow of h(er) heart h(er) mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45

YIKES!!!!!!!! What was coming out of my mouth was a direct reflection of what was in my heart!

I needed to pray and ask God to change my heart toward my husband so that my mouth would be true.

Funny thing when you ask God to change your heart ... He Does!

Oh, I’m not fixed forever (I wish), but on the days I pray that prayer, God is faithful to help me guard my heart and He fills it with good thoughts and gentler feelings concerning Husband.

The road to recovery is a lifetime gig. Each day we choose to move forward or backward. 

Lately Husband and I have been moving forward with more ease – but this only at the expense of previous pain. The pain forced some difficult communication to take place.

If you read the “How to Fight…Well” post then you know that I am not for stuffing all your feelings of hurt down inside in order to be Nice Wife, but am absolutely for full communication and understanding between both Husband and Wife. Work through the problems so you heart is true and you can grow in your love and respect of each other- training your mouth along the way. 

I’m pretty sure your husband will appreciate it. Just keep him away from the Clorox.

You can check out Husband's blog at www.aploddingpilgrimage.blogspot.com.