I'm FINE! -Emotions Part 1

This is the first of several posts on Emotions. Emotions often get a bad rap especially in faith circles. What I have learned in the past 8 years about Emotions and their function in our everyday lives has been extremely helpful. My response to this new knowledge has affected all of my relationships including my relationship with God. So, let’s dive into this post and see what we can uncover!

When my neatly planned life came crashing to a halt due to Husband’s infidelity it was recommended to me to attend a women’s therapy group; a deeper version of a support group, but facilitated by a licensed marriage and family therapist.

I was petrified. I knew I needed to go, but I was still getting used to this “new normal” that my life was so messed up!

I remember the first meeting. The group functioned much like a 12 step group where everyone takes a turn to say their name and a sound byte of their story so everyone present knows why they are in the group. Since I was the newbie I was asked to tell a fuller version of my story. Sounding much like a news reporter, I reiterated the shameful details of Pastor Husband’s fall from ministry due to a sexual relationship he was having with another women. He confessed to me because he thought they had been seen together by another church member. Some of the truth came out to his board members and the decision was made concerning his resignation. He resigned one week later after the morning message and walked out of the church. We entered intense counseling, group therapy and had a spiritual care team of close friends around us at our beck and call to help us process through this journey. We now had few friends, no church family, no income, no trust, a broken marriage and a shattered reputation. I was a stay at home mom with four children under the age of seven.

And that was that. My neat and tidy summary. Let’s move on to the next person in the therapy group, please.

I looked up at the other women in the group and they were all just looking at me. Some with pained expressions on their faces. Did I say something wrong? Are they okay?

The therapist asked if anyone had any comments for me. Some of the women expressed their sadness for me (those were the ones with the pained expressions). The one comment I remember most clearly was, “Sue, how can you state your story so matter-of-factly and not show any emotion? How are you feeling about all of this?”

I stumbled through my answer-something to the effect of, “Well, my life is a wreck right now, but I don’t know… I’m fine.”

All of the women and possibly the therapist burst out into laughter. I didn’t get the joke. It was all very awkward.

One of them spoke up, “Sue, you know what “fine” stands for, right?”

I just smiled, waiting for the punch line blow…

“FINE – frantic, insecure, neurotic and emotional” And they all laughed again.

I smiled again, but felt like I was about to cry –for real. “Well, I guess that sums it up then.”

The fact was – I didn’t know what I felt. I was so out of touch with my emotions and had been stuffing them soooo long that I honestly couldn’t tell you. I was an expert at expressing whatever someone else wanted to see me express, but I had absolutely NO idea what I was really feeling about ANYTHING deep down inside. This was a problem.

It became my therapy friend’s and my therapist’s new goal to help me “get in touch with my feelings.” Oh, yay!

I always prided myself on being tough and not crying at the drop of a hat. What was this going to mean in my life and my marriage? Was I going to turn into a sissy and have to carry around a small package of tissues so I could constantly dab my eyes?

No. I found out that was not the case.

Getting in touch with my feelings actually took practice. I was encouraged to stop several times throughout my day and ask myself how I was feeling. This was called a “check in.” I was to “check in” with myself a lot.

A check in goes something like this. “I am feeling _______________, about _____________, because ______________________.”

A simple example could be, “I am feeling sad, about my father, because he is very ill.”

In doing this I have identified an emotion I am feeling, tagged it to a circumstance and stated the reasoning behind it.

Another example, “I am feeling stressed about my house because it is messy.”

I honestly believe that if I can name the emotion and where it is coming from then I can more readily deal with it.

In other words, now that I have named the emotion I am feeling I can dissect why I am feeling it and do something about it. I don’t have to let these mystery emotions control my daily living and drive me CRAZY!

Oh, but I am not CRAZY… Remember, I am FINE…

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SO WHAT??? (This is a new part of the blog where you get a turn to process and practice what you just read. If you don’t process and learn nothing will change for the better. Give it a shot! You have nothing to lose.)

1. Are you numb and not sure what you are feeling at any given moment about anything? Consider checking in with yourself throughout the day. Use the sentence formula above. I challenge you to try it for a week and see if it makes a difference.

2. Do you have mystery emotions haunting you? What three emotions are you feeling today that you need to name and claim? Sometimes you need a friend, pastor or counselor to help you with the claiming part. If you can at least name it you are well on your way to health. Follow through with the claim.

3. What have you learned about yourself? Do you see any patterns? Do you need to make any changes in behavior?

4. Pray about it. Journal about it. Set new goals. Share them with a friend.