How To Fight...Well

If you have been married for any length of time (or in any type of relationship for that matter) a moment eventually came where you need to fight something out.

…Unless of course you are a “stuffer”. A stuffer is someone who stuffs all of his or her feelings deep down inside to never see daylight again. The problem with stuffers is they leak. They leak something awful and if they are stuffed too full, they gush. Gushing is ugly! Envision a small but growing leak in Hoover Dam that suddenly burst forth through all of the concrete into a full fledged flood! That's gushing!

Anyway, back to fighting. Fights are bound to happen in any relationship, but there are good ways to fight and bad ways to fight.

You are probably more familiar with the bad ways. These are the ways often see on TV, in the movies and on stage. There is always loud yelling, flailing arms, spewing emotions and personal daggers all projected at the opposing subject. This is very dramatic, but not very helpful. This type of fighting is extremely hurtful and does not move the relationship forward at all. If anything it moves the relationship in reverse.

There is a better way.

For any relationship to be healthy there must be some system in place to help the two of you process through conflicts. Both my husband and I are stuffers. After years of stuffing and leaking we reached a breaking point in our marital dam where gushing threatened to drown our marriage and wash it down the river for good. Through much counsel and the support of some good friends we have developed our own system of healthy communication.

It looks something like this.

*Preparation- If a tough conversation is worth having it is worth preparing for.  No dropping verbal bombs on your spouse as they walk through the room. And don't expect your husband to read your mind. Pick a time and a place. Plan for it. Think through the problem. Search for the root issue.

*No raised voices or personal attacks- This may be self explanatory, but think the total opposite of what you typically see on TV.  Make sure you are both sitting down. Take a deep breath. Use the calmest voice you can muster. Place your palms face down on your thighs. Refrain from personally attacking your spouse’s character, physical appearance or skills. Stick to the issues at hand.

*Speak for yourself and about yourself- It is important to remember that you cannot force others to change. You can only change yourself. You can also only speak about what you feel and perceive in the situation. You may think you know how your spouse feels and why he does what he does, but you cannot say with certainty. Let him speak for himself. Ask good questions and give him time to answer. Accept the answers as part of the overall dialogue. (Future blog coming on “Emotions”.)

*Expectations- It is good to let your spouse know what you expect from him. If you just need to vent and want sympathy, say so.  If you are looking for advice or a solution be very clear. Women are great at empathy and men are wired for solutions. For many years my husband kept trying to fix me. When I would tell him I didn’t want a solution he wouldn’t say anything at all! I had to let him know clearly what I was looking for. (As a side note: Every woman needs some good female friends. Please don’t expect your husband to fill those shoes!) Be clear in your expectations.

*Listening- Listen with your eyes and your ears. Look at your spouse. Take turns listening. Pretend you have a talking stick – or use a real one if needed.  (Just don’t throw it at him!) You can only speak if you are holding the talking stick. Do not give the talking stick to your spouse until you have completely finished speaking. Be patient and allow your spouse to give it to you indicating he is finished speaking. This helps the conversation move smoothly back and forth.  

*Echoing- This practice goes hand in hand with listening. Echoing is helpful in making sure you understand what your spouse just said. For example: Your husband just said, “I hate it when I come home to the kids shouting and running around and you complaining about how hard your day was all before I can even take off my coat and sit down.”

When it is your turn to speak you can echo him by saying, “What I hear you saying is that you feel frustrated when you come home to chaos and my complaining the moment you walk in the door. Is that correct?”

If this is not correct let him speak again and try to explain. Do this back and forth until you are both sure you are on the same page. Once you understand you can move on to finding a solution if he is asking for one.

*Messy is good- A messy dialogue is a potentially good dialogue. For stuffers it is a huge accomplishment to just get all of the issues and emotion out on the table. At least it is out! Now you have something to work with. Congratulations! Messy is good. Don’t let it stress you out.

*Time limit- Healthy boundaries are your best friends! During a certain phase of our majorly messy marriage my husband and I were processing through so many emotions and issues that we would talk late into the night, only to find ourselves exhausted, overly emotional and incoherent. We found it extremely helpful to set a time limit. If we had not settled the issue by the time limit we would take a break until the next time we could meet.

Also as part of limits and boundaries is the conversation ceiling. If at any time either one of you cannot stick to having a somewhat calm intelligent conversation and the volume, tension and emotion is beginning to escalate out of control- hitting the ceiling, please call a “time out” and postpone your dialogue until both of you can come back to the table calm and reasonable.

How do those guidelines sound?

This is not a professionally exhaustive list on how to make every potential fight a walk in the park, but if you adhere to even a few of these pointers you will be headed toward a better conversation with a healthier outcome.

Now… go have a “healthy fight”!