Prince Charming - The Real Story

You know how every little girl grows up dreaming of the day when a handsome Prince Charming will come along, fall madly in love with her and sweep her off her feet?

Yeah… that was me.

(Enter narrator with breathy, dramatic voice.)

I dreamed nothing would compare to his romantically creative proposal for my hand in marriage. The wedding ceremony would be perfect. We would be surrounded by all of our friends and family. My dress would be white and lacey. The entire ceremony would be deeply meaningful and everyone would think this was the most beautiful wedding they had ever been to. The honeymoon would be beyond imagination. My new husband would surprise me with special travels and gifts and he would be gentle and loving as I gave myself to him.

The man of my dreams would be my soul mate forever. We would ride off into the sunset thinking each other’s thoughts and finishing each other’s sentences. We would spend time together and look out for one another. He would protect me and understand me inside and out. Life would be rosy and everyone would be happy.

(Exit breathy, dramatic voice.)

These really were my hopes and dreams. WOW was I naïve and full of unrealistic expectations!

A day finally came when the honeymoon began to fade and I began to see a few areas where ugly reality was breaking through my rose colored glasses..

“Hmmmmmm… this marriage stuff is harder than I thought. This isn’t quite what I bargained for.“

We were both busy working and he was in graduate school. He didn’t always have time to pay attention to me. We were tired and disconnected at times. Sometimes we didn’t even want to be around each other. I misunderstood what he would say to me and feel hurt. Sometimes we would fight. I had several blind spots that I was still blind too. And it turned out Prince Charming was hiding some skeletons in the closet. I was spending more days than not feeling overwhelmed, depressed and alone.

Let me give you some back-story.

I married my college sweetheart and thought nothing could make me happier. But within months of the wedding those skeletons I mentioned began to appear. The one that just wouldn’t die came in the form of a pornography addiction. This was supposedly an “old battle” that I was told had already been brought under control years ago.

Apparently not!

I can still picture the moment in our small apartment when I found the video he had rented. This video didn’t belong in anyone’s hands let alone a newly married man studying to go into ministry. I was confused. How could he do this? Did he lie to me about having this under control? What other explanation is there?  I felt totally betrayed, unloved, unattractive, and not good enough to please my husband.

No, no – let me say that again in the true sense of the emotions… I felt totally REJECTED, WORTHLESS, UGLY, USELESS, CAST ASIDE, DIRTY, NO GOOD!

I wasn’t sure what to do. I was devastated.

I felt sad and angry all at the same time. How do I handle this?

I needed to confront him… and I did.  

This confrontation began a cycle that would last for several years. It went something like this: He would view porn in some form or another. I would discover it. I would be devastated. I would confront. He would act ashamed. He would feel regret. He would apologize. I would attempt to forgive him. We would both try harder- him to live more purely and me to get over the pain and be a good wife. Repeat ad nauseum.

This is all I knew to do in the situation. I removed anything from the house that could possibly be a stumbling block. No clothing catalogues. No magazines with questionable pictures or ads. Filters on the computer. This stigma of “when will the next shoe fall” became the elephant in the room of our marriage. I was always the one to find the forbidden material (video, magazine, pictures, etc). He would never willingly confess of his own accord. We would go through our cycle and each time he would swear to try harder. Each time, I felt more hollow, lost and depressed.

Would our marriage be like this forever? Would we survive?

Our communication skills were horrible. We stuffed everything to look good to others.  We thought we were communicating and dealing with our problems, but they just got worse -as did our relationship. Eventually my Prince Charming’s porn addiction led him into an adulterous affair which cost him his career, reputation and our community of friends.

The pain and humiliation were unbearable. If you have ever read the 1850 classic, The Scarlet Letter, by Puritan Nathaniel Hawthorne you would understand the illustration from the book of wearing a red letter “A” for adultery,  as a symbol of shame and guilt,  sewn to your clothing, for all to see and by which to condemn you. The humiliation was palpable. It felt as if people were staring you through to your very soul; viewing every sinful and shameful act of your life.

The counsel and healing process that followed were absolutely brutal. True godly counsel is not for the weak. If one enters into it boldly ready to do the work healing requires, she needs the courage of a royal knight. She will need to slice open her own heart with her own sword and perform self surgery.

However…

The results of all this self surgery and relational processing are priceless.

PRICELESS.

We will never be the couple we once were. We are still becoming new –even now. We are both better for walking – crawling –maybe even being carried - through that dessert of suffering.

Now I am different, changed, new, better.

We are.

And we never want to go back.  

This blog is the outflow of our several years journey toward relational health and healing. We have by no means arrived but are fellow strugglers along the way. Join me in this community of support.  

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Check out my husband’s blog at www.aploddingpilgrimage.blogspot.com.