A New You = A Healthy Wife!

A New You = A Healthy Wife!

Of course I would never set out to start a blog, name it A Healthy Wife, and write about healthy wifey things sounding holier than thou because all you other wives need to get your acts together and I am the healthiest wife.

Not a chance!

No, I am NOT on a rant because I received negative feedback from a reader and need to set the story straight.

I AM on a soapbox because I want to make sure I clearly share my heart with my readers.

God, through his providence and grace has allowed my husband and I to experience an “extreme mercy” on His behalf. There are many small stories of grace and mercy along the way, but the extreme part came with a moral failure. This failure led to devastation in our marriage, ministry, family/friends, health, reputation, and work.

After intense molding and shaping on the Potter’s wheel, I am passionate about supporting other hurting women in similar circumstances. I write from my heart and my experiences -with the hope that something I write may encourage or spur another woman forward in her quest for emotional and relational health. 

The heartfelt mission behind “A Healthy Wife” blog is to create a supportive community among hurting women and share that there is freedom and healing available through a relationship with Jesus Christ.

There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus Christ, alone, saved out marriage.

Did we have to do a lot of soul searching and gut wrenching work? YES. Years worth and it continues on.

Did we hate each other at times?

Were we separated?

Did we put our therapist’s kids through a few years of college with all the fees we paid for counseling?

Yes, yes, and probably yes.

Did the hope that we found in Christ and his offer of second chance redemption give us enough of a spark to press on toward a “someday” trust again, “someday” heal these wounds?

Definitely, Yes. 

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waves roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.” Psalm 46:1-3

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19a

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” 

Hebrews 10: 23, 24

If it were not for Christ in our own hearts and lives we would not be where we are today. God gave us the ability to do all of the hard work required to begin healing our broken marriage.

I will never claim that our marriage or any marriage is completely healed. Every relationship we have is a process – a continuing journey toward better health and deeper communication and intimacy.

Sorry to pop anyone’s bubble, but no one ever completely “arrives” here on Earth. When we reach heaven we will be as complete as possible.

“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” I Corinthians 13:12

My heart is so full with the hope of healing for others who are struggling as wives and mothers. There is so much hope and promise in a relationship with Christ.

A “relationship with Jesus” may sound weird to those who are not familiar with those phrases, but it is as easy as this:

Admit that you have no control over your own life. You do bad things and need a higher power to help you stop doing these “sins”. Jesus is that higher power and he alone can save you.

Jesus said in the Bible, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father (God) except through me.” John 14:6

The Bible also says, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 6:23

All humans are in this “sin” dilemma and need forgiveness.

Believe that Jesus Christ came to Earth to pay the penalty for your sins by giving his life for yours. He then was resurrected and returned to heaven where you will be with him forever when you die.

“But God demonstrates His own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 

“For the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 3:23.

“Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the Scriptures.” I Corinthians 15:3,4

“Believe on the Lord Jesus and you will be saved.” Acts 16:31

We all have a sin debt and Jesus paid it with his life. If you believe that he really did pay that debt you are FULLY forgiven and made new. Jesus is the only one who can fill the empty hole you have in your heart.

Commit to now live your new life by God’s direction and in obedience to God.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2

My relationship with Jesus Christ has made the biggest difference in who I am today. I would not have survived the pain of my broken marriage and life without Him carrying me through. If you have made this decision today or would like to talk more about this – please leave a comment on the blog post or privately email me at pandshuber@gmail.com. It would be my pleasure to connect with you.

After making this decision it is really important that you find a group of other Bible believing people in your area. You may have to search the Internet to find a good church that you can attend. Growing and learning with other people who believe the Bible is very important. You will also need to get a copy of the Holy Bible and begin reading it. I would recommend starting in the section called “John”. There are many versions of the Bible out there. If you have a choice I would recommend an easy to read version of the Bible known as the New International Version or NIV for short. All of the verses in this post were taken from that version.

With a Bible in hand and a church to attend you will be well on your way to growing and healing. 

Prince Charming - The Real Story

You know how every little girl grows up dreaming of the day when a handsome Prince Charming will come along, fall madly in love with her and sweep her off her feet?

Yeah… that was me.

(Enter narrator with breathy, dramatic voice.)

I dreamed nothing would compare to his romantically creative proposal for my hand in marriage. The wedding ceremony would be perfect. We would be surrounded by all of our friends and family. My dress would be white and lacey. The entire ceremony would be deeply meaningful and everyone would think this was the most beautiful wedding they had ever been to. The honeymoon would be beyond imagination. My new husband would surprise me with special travels and gifts and he would be gentle and loving as I gave myself to him.

The man of my dreams would be my soul mate forever. We would ride off into the sunset thinking each other’s thoughts and finishing each other’s sentences. We would spend time together and look out for one another. He would protect me and understand me inside and out. Life would be rosy and everyone would be happy.

(Exit breathy, dramatic voice.)

These really were my hopes and dreams. WOW was I naïve and full of unrealistic expectations!

A day finally came when the honeymoon began to fade and I began to see a few areas where ugly reality was breaking through my rose colored glasses..

“Hmmmmmm… this marriage stuff is harder than I thought. This isn’t quite what I bargained for.“

We were both busy working and he was in graduate school. He didn’t always have time to pay attention to me. We were tired and disconnected at times. Sometimes we didn’t even want to be around each other. I misunderstood what he would say to me and feel hurt. Sometimes we would fight. I had several blind spots that I was still blind too. And it turned out Prince Charming was hiding some skeletons in the closet. I was spending more days than not feeling overwhelmed, depressed and alone.

Let me give you some back-story.

I married my college sweetheart and thought nothing could make me happier. But within months of the wedding those skeletons I mentioned began to appear. The one that just wouldn’t die came in the form of a pornography addiction. This was supposedly an “old battle” that I was told had already been brought under control years ago.

Apparently not!

I can still picture the moment in our small apartment when I found the video he had rented. This video didn’t belong in anyone’s hands let alone a newly married man studying to go into ministry. I was confused. How could he do this? Did he lie to me about having this under control? What other explanation is there?  I felt totally betrayed, unloved, unattractive, and not good enough to please my husband.

No, no – let me say that again in the true sense of the emotions… I felt totally REJECTED, WORTHLESS, UGLY, USELESS, CAST ASIDE, DIRTY, NO GOOD!

I wasn’t sure what to do. I was devastated.

I felt sad and angry all at the same time. How do I handle this?

I needed to confront him… and I did.  

This confrontation began a cycle that would last for several years. It went something like this: He would view porn in some form or another. I would discover it. I would be devastated. I would confront. He would act ashamed. He would feel regret. He would apologize. I would attempt to forgive him. We would both try harder- him to live more purely and me to get over the pain and be a good wife. Repeat ad nauseum.

This is all I knew to do in the situation. I removed anything from the house that could possibly be a stumbling block. No clothing catalogues. No magazines with questionable pictures or ads. Filters on the computer. This stigma of “when will the next shoe fall” became the elephant in the room of our marriage. I was always the one to find the forbidden material (video, magazine, pictures, etc). He would never willingly confess of his own accord. We would go through our cycle and each time he would swear to try harder. Each time, I felt more hollow, lost and depressed.

Would our marriage be like this forever? Would we survive?

Our communication skills were horrible. We stuffed everything to look good to others.  We thought we were communicating and dealing with our problems, but they just got worse -as did our relationship. Eventually my Prince Charming’s porn addiction led him into an adulterous affair which cost him his career, reputation and our community of friends.

The pain and humiliation were unbearable. If you have ever read the 1850 classic, The Scarlet Letter, by Puritan Nathaniel Hawthorne you would understand the illustration from the book of wearing a red letter “A” for adultery,  as a symbol of shame and guilt,  sewn to your clothing, for all to see and by which to condemn you. The humiliation was palpable. It felt as if people were staring you through to your very soul; viewing every sinful and shameful act of your life.

The counsel and healing process that followed were absolutely brutal. True godly counsel is not for the weak. If one enters into it boldly ready to do the work healing requires, she needs the courage of a royal knight. She will need to slice open her own heart with her own sword and perform self surgery.

However…

The results of all this self surgery and relational processing are priceless.

PRICELESS.

We will never be the couple we once were. We are still becoming new –even now. We are both better for walking – crawling –maybe even being carried - through that dessert of suffering.

Now I am different, changed, new, better.

We are.

And we never want to go back.  

This blog is the outflow of our several years journey toward relational health and healing. We have by no means arrived but are fellow strugglers along the way. Join me in this community of support.  

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Check out my husband’s blog at www.aploddingpilgrimage.blogspot.com.