Word Power

“Honey, why does it smell like bleach in here?” I ask with caution preparing myself for the answer. 

I have destroyed a number of items with bleach in my day, so I approach the dining room smell -wary and poised for attack.

“I used some spray to clean off the table.” Says Husband trying to be helpful.

“What spray?” I ask, eyes widening with impending terror.

“The Clorox spray. This one.” Husband proudly holds up white spray bottle with Clorox green label.

“OH MY GOODNESS. NO! YOU CAN’T USE BLEACH ON A WOOD FINISH! YOU need to rinse it off RIGHT AWAY or it will RUIN the TABLE!” I spew out these commands trying to be as nice as possible, but in my head I’m thinking, “You IDIOT! DIDN’T YOU KNOW THAT! What were you thinking! Why would you do that? Dumb Husband.”

Pause.

I have a way of flying off the handle in a moment of crisis to fix a problem, but when the crisis is addressed and I look around at the aftermath of the battle no one is left standing among the rubble of cutting words, hurt feelings, shouted commands, broken psyches, and lost souls.

Uggghhhhh! I did it again. I opened my mouth. Let loose the gate.

Great…. What did I just say… What did I just think… Who heard all of that?

Instant conviction.

“May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14.

“My dear (sisters), take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for (wo)man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” James 1:19 & 20

My mouth has gotten me into a boatload of trouble – especially in my marriage.

Oh – It would be easy to blame “Hollywood” for their weak portrayal of the male race. They more often than not portray men in sitcoms and movies as stupid, unengaged, emotionally weak and only attuned to sports, sex and grilling large chunks of meat. On the flip side Hollywood seems to be saying that if men don’t hone in on those three areas but instead help with housework, enjoy the arts, cook well, converse with and care for others, then they must be gay.

Such stereotypes. None of them true.

I really have no one to blame, but me. I came into the world thinking my way was the best way. If you didn’t like it or didn’t want to do it then YOU were wrong- NOT me.

Some call this “a strong will”. I joke that my parents broke James Dobson’s book, The Strong Willed Child over my backside by spanking me with it. It is no secret in my family that I was the child who received the most spankings. I was VERY strong willed, stubborn and had my opinions whether I verbalized them or not.

My husband and I have both known couples from our past and present where the wife mutilated her husband verbally on a regular basis. We saw it in youth leaders, friends, and co-workers. Looking back it does not surprise us to learn that some of these marriages have ended in divorce, some have entered into Christian counseling, and some are just stagnant and emotionally dead. How sad.

In our marriage the heavy dose of counseling we received as a result of Husband’s infidelity (see Prince Charming post) opened my eyes to the role my mouth played in the health of our relationship. I could see the destruction my words had caused and were causing. Every time I tore down my husband in private but especially in public (like with my friends) I was willingly destroying a small part of his heart and a large piece of our marriage. After years of this, I can only imagine the condition of his heart toward me and the death sentence being served to our marriage.

Now here is the rub.

Does my husband do things that upset me? YES!

But do I NEED to respond by biting his head off or making him look like an idiot to our friends? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Not if I want a healthy marriage and a husband who in turn says uplifting things about me and shows me love.

Basically if I truly began showing him love and respect, he would respond with love and respect.

Instead of biting at my husband’s actions and character each day I could be looking for positives to reinforce. If I could only find one positive, then I reinforced that one positive. This took practice. I forced my mouth to obey and my heart followed.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29

This practice worked okay but I realized there was a BIGGER PROBLEM -my heart.

“The good (wo)man brings good things out of the good stored up in h(er) heart, and the evil (wo)man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in h(er) heart. For out of the overflow of h(er) heart h(er) mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45

YIKES!!!!!!!! What was coming out of my mouth was a direct reflection of what was in my heart!

I needed to pray and ask God to change my heart toward my husband so that my mouth would be true.

Funny thing when you ask God to change your heart ... He Does!

Oh, I’m not fixed forever (I wish), but on the days I pray that prayer, God is faithful to help me guard my heart and He fills it with good thoughts and gentler feelings concerning Husband.

The road to recovery is a lifetime gig. Each day we choose to move forward or backward. 

Lately Husband and I have been moving forward with more ease – but this only at the expense of previous pain. The pain forced some difficult communication to take place.

If you read the “How to Fight…Well” post then you know that I am not for stuffing all your feelings of hurt down inside in order to be Nice Wife, but am absolutely for full communication and understanding between both Husband and Wife. Work through the problems so you heart is true and you can grow in your love and respect of each other- training your mouth along the way. 

I’m pretty sure your husband will appreciate it. Just keep him away from the Clorox.

You can check out Husband's blog at www.aploddingpilgrimage.blogspot.com. 

How To Fight...Well

If you have been married for any length of time (or in any type of relationship for that matter) a moment eventually came where you need to fight something out.

…Unless of course you are a “stuffer”. A stuffer is someone who stuffs all of his or her feelings deep down inside to never see daylight again. The problem with stuffers is they leak. They leak something awful and if they are stuffed too full, they gush. Gushing is ugly! Envision a small but growing leak in Hoover Dam that suddenly burst forth through all of the concrete into a full fledged flood! That's gushing!

Anyway, back to fighting. Fights are bound to happen in any relationship, but there are good ways to fight and bad ways to fight.

You are probably more familiar with the bad ways. These are the ways often see on TV, in the movies and on stage. There is always loud yelling, flailing arms, spewing emotions and personal daggers all projected at the opposing subject. This is very dramatic, but not very helpful. This type of fighting is extremely hurtful and does not move the relationship forward at all. If anything it moves the relationship in reverse.

There is a better way.

For any relationship to be healthy there must be some system in place to help the two of you process through conflicts. Both my husband and I are stuffers. After years of stuffing and leaking we reached a breaking point in our marital dam where gushing threatened to drown our marriage and wash it down the river for good. Through much counsel and the support of some good friends we have developed our own system of healthy communication.

It looks something like this.

*Preparation- If a tough conversation is worth having it is worth preparing for.  No dropping verbal bombs on your spouse as they walk through the room. And don't expect your husband to read your mind. Pick a time and a place. Plan for it. Think through the problem. Search for the root issue.

*No raised voices or personal attacks- This may be self explanatory, but think the total opposite of what you typically see on TV.  Make sure you are both sitting down. Take a deep breath. Use the calmest voice you can muster. Place your palms face down on your thighs. Refrain from personally attacking your spouse’s character, physical appearance or skills. Stick to the issues at hand.

*Speak for yourself and about yourself- It is important to remember that you cannot force others to change. You can only change yourself. You can also only speak about what you feel and perceive in the situation. You may think you know how your spouse feels and why he does what he does, but you cannot say with certainty. Let him speak for himself. Ask good questions and give him time to answer. Accept the answers as part of the overall dialogue. (Future blog coming on “Emotions”.)

*Expectations- It is good to let your spouse know what you expect from him. If you just need to vent and want sympathy, say so.  If you are looking for advice or a solution be very clear. Women are great at empathy and men are wired for solutions. For many years my husband kept trying to fix me. When I would tell him I didn’t want a solution he wouldn’t say anything at all! I had to let him know clearly what I was looking for. (As a side note: Every woman needs some good female friends. Please don’t expect your husband to fill those shoes!) Be clear in your expectations.

*Listening- Listen with your eyes and your ears. Look at your spouse. Take turns listening. Pretend you have a talking stick – or use a real one if needed.  (Just don’t throw it at him!) You can only speak if you are holding the talking stick. Do not give the talking stick to your spouse until you have completely finished speaking. Be patient and allow your spouse to give it to you indicating he is finished speaking. This helps the conversation move smoothly back and forth.  

*Echoing- This practice goes hand in hand with listening. Echoing is helpful in making sure you understand what your spouse just said. For example: Your husband just said, “I hate it when I come home to the kids shouting and running around and you complaining about how hard your day was all before I can even take off my coat and sit down.”

When it is your turn to speak you can echo him by saying, “What I hear you saying is that you feel frustrated when you come home to chaos and my complaining the moment you walk in the door. Is that correct?”

If this is not correct let him speak again and try to explain. Do this back and forth until you are both sure you are on the same page. Once you understand you can move on to finding a solution if he is asking for one.

*Messy is good- A messy dialogue is a potentially good dialogue. For stuffers it is a huge accomplishment to just get all of the issues and emotion out on the table. At least it is out! Now you have something to work with. Congratulations! Messy is good. Don’t let it stress you out.

*Time limit- Healthy boundaries are your best friends! During a certain phase of our majorly messy marriage my husband and I were processing through so many emotions and issues that we would talk late into the night, only to find ourselves exhausted, overly emotional and incoherent. We found it extremely helpful to set a time limit. If we had not settled the issue by the time limit we would take a break until the next time we could meet.

Also as part of limits and boundaries is the conversation ceiling. If at any time either one of you cannot stick to having a somewhat calm intelligent conversation and the volume, tension and emotion is beginning to escalate out of control- hitting the ceiling, please call a “time out” and postpone your dialogue until both of you can come back to the table calm and reasonable.

How do those guidelines sound?

This is not a professionally exhaustive list on how to make every potential fight a walk in the park, but if you adhere to even a few of these pointers you will be headed toward a better conversation with a healthier outcome.

Now… go have a “healthy fight”!