Prince Charming - The Real Story

You know how every little girl grows up dreaming of the day when a handsome Prince Charming will come along, fall madly in love with her and sweep her off her feet?

Yeah… that was me.

(Enter narrator with breathy, dramatic voice.)

I dreamed nothing would compare to his romantically creative proposal for my hand in marriage. The wedding ceremony would be perfect. We would be surrounded by all of our friends and family. My dress would be white and lacey. The entire ceremony would be deeply meaningful and everyone would think this was the most beautiful wedding they had ever been to. The honeymoon would be beyond imagination. My new husband would surprise me with special travels and gifts and he would be gentle and loving as I gave myself to him.

The man of my dreams would be my soul mate forever. We would ride off into the sunset thinking each other’s thoughts and finishing each other’s sentences. We would spend time together and look out for one another. He would protect me and understand me inside and out. Life would be rosy and everyone would be happy.

(Exit breathy, dramatic voice.)

These really were my hopes and dreams. WOW was I naïve and full of unrealistic expectations!

A day finally came when the honeymoon began to fade and I began to see a few areas where ugly reality was breaking through my rose colored glasses..

“Hmmmmmm… this marriage stuff is harder than I thought. This isn’t quite what I bargained for.“

We were both busy working and he was in graduate school. He didn’t always have time to pay attention to me. We were tired and disconnected at times. Sometimes we didn’t even want to be around each other. I misunderstood what he would say to me and feel hurt. Sometimes we would fight. I had several blind spots that I was still blind too. And it turned out Prince Charming was hiding some skeletons in the closet. I was spending more days than not feeling overwhelmed, depressed and alone.

Let me give you some back-story.

I married my college sweetheart and thought nothing could make me happier. But within months of the wedding those skeletons I mentioned began to appear. The one that just wouldn’t die came in the form of a pornography addiction. This was supposedly an “old battle” that I was told had already been brought under control years ago.

Apparently not!

I can still picture the moment in our small apartment when I found the video he had rented. This video didn’t belong in anyone’s hands let alone a newly married man studying to go into ministry. I was confused. How could he do this? Did he lie to me about having this under control? What other explanation is there?  I felt totally betrayed, unloved, unattractive, and not good enough to please my husband.

No, no – let me say that again in the true sense of the emotions… I felt totally REJECTED, WORTHLESS, UGLY, USELESS, CAST ASIDE, DIRTY, NO GOOD!

I wasn’t sure what to do. I was devastated.

I felt sad and angry all at the same time. How do I handle this?

I needed to confront him… and I did.  

This confrontation began a cycle that would last for several years. It went something like this: He would view porn in some form or another. I would discover it. I would be devastated. I would confront. He would act ashamed. He would feel regret. He would apologize. I would attempt to forgive him. We would both try harder- him to live more purely and me to get over the pain and be a good wife. Repeat ad nauseum.

This is all I knew to do in the situation. I removed anything from the house that could possibly be a stumbling block. No clothing catalogues. No magazines with questionable pictures or ads. Filters on the computer. This stigma of “when will the next shoe fall” became the elephant in the room of our marriage. I was always the one to find the forbidden material (video, magazine, pictures, etc). He would never willingly confess of his own accord. We would go through our cycle and each time he would swear to try harder. Each time, I felt more hollow, lost and depressed.

Would our marriage be like this forever? Would we survive?

Our communication skills were horrible. We stuffed everything to look good to others.  We thought we were communicating and dealing with our problems, but they just got worse -as did our relationship. Eventually my Prince Charming’s porn addiction led him into an adulterous affair which cost him his career, reputation and our community of friends.

The pain and humiliation were unbearable. If you have ever read the 1850 classic, The Scarlet Letter, by Puritan Nathaniel Hawthorne you would understand the illustration from the book of wearing a red letter “A” for adultery,  as a symbol of shame and guilt,  sewn to your clothing, for all to see and by which to condemn you. The humiliation was palpable. It felt as if people were staring you through to your very soul; viewing every sinful and shameful act of your life.

The counsel and healing process that followed were absolutely brutal. True godly counsel is not for the weak. If one enters into it boldly ready to do the work healing requires, she needs the courage of a royal knight. She will need to slice open her own heart with her own sword and perform self surgery.

However…

The results of all this self surgery and relational processing are priceless.

PRICELESS.

We will never be the couple we once were. We are still becoming new –even now. We are both better for walking – crawling –maybe even being carried - through that dessert of suffering.

Now I am different, changed, new, better.

We are.

And we never want to go back.  

This blog is the outflow of our several years journey toward relational health and healing. We have by no means arrived but are fellow strugglers along the way. Join me in this community of support.  

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Check out my husband’s blog at www.aploddingpilgrimage.blogspot.com. 

Husband Prayers

I am praying for my husband.  Not selfish prayers- for my benefit, but hopeful prayers- for his benefit.

I am praying that God develops in him the qualities that He wants. I have a few ideas, but ultimately I want God to mold and shape him into what he laid out at the foundations of creation.

I pray for courage and confidence to flourish and take root inside a man who has come to the brink of emotional and spiritual destruction at the hands of a self inflicted addiction. I pray for God to show Himself as the God of second chances and victory. Healing and redemption are gifts waiting to be given with divine anticipation and gracious love. I pray for freedom from old habits and patterns of thinking that lead to self deception and foothold lies.

Honesty and humility are the twin sisters of courage and confidence. He will need courage to be honest and a Christ empowered inner-confidence to drive the wisdom behind humility. Honesty to live in the light and fully engage the sin nature he fights against. He is a new creature. The old has gone. The new has come. God grant him the grace and strength to grow into his new skin. 

Humility to stay in that awareness that we are but dust and by God’s grace He allows us to change, grow and minister to others. Humility that at any moment, without full dependence on Christ, we can make choices that destroy years of progress and healing.

I pray God leads him on a path that intersects with the paths of others he can benefit from; others who will speak truth and wisdom into his life.  I pray he has ears to hear his Shepherd and desires to follow His directions. I pray he has eyes to see the hand of his Savior moving in his life throughout the day and be encouraged. I pray his heart is bowed low before his God in humble submission to his will at all times. I pray he is willing to keep doing the hard work, the gut wrenching, brutally honest, soul surgery before his Creator that is mind-blowing and painful in the moment, but spiritually transformative for Kingdom purposes. God has such a great plan for all of us but can work mightily through those who take on courage from the power of God, maintain confidence in what Christ can do through them, remain honest about their own depravity and keep humble in their total need for a Savior.   

If my husband stays right before God he will become the husband I need as well as the father our children need. I can pray toward that end.

A few scriptures to pray for our husbands:

“I thank my God every time I remember you.” Philippians 1:4

“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 1:6

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” II Corinthians 5:17

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”  I Peter 5:7,8

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love.” I Corinthians 16:13,14

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  Ephesians 6:10-12

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How To Fight...Well

If you have been married for any length of time (or in any type of relationship for that matter) a moment eventually came where you need to fight something out.

…Unless of course you are a “stuffer”. A stuffer is someone who stuffs all of his or her feelings deep down inside to never see daylight again. The problem with stuffers is they leak. They leak something awful and if they are stuffed too full, they gush. Gushing is ugly! Envision a small but growing leak in Hoover Dam that suddenly burst forth through all of the concrete into a full fledged flood! That's gushing!

Anyway, back to fighting. Fights are bound to happen in any relationship, but there are good ways to fight and bad ways to fight.

You are probably more familiar with the bad ways. These are the ways often see on TV, in the movies and on stage. There is always loud yelling, flailing arms, spewing emotions and personal daggers all projected at the opposing subject. This is very dramatic, but not very helpful. This type of fighting is extremely hurtful and does not move the relationship forward at all. If anything it moves the relationship in reverse.

There is a better way.

For any relationship to be healthy there must be some system in place to help the two of you process through conflicts. Both my husband and I are stuffers. After years of stuffing and leaking we reached a breaking point in our marital dam where gushing threatened to drown our marriage and wash it down the river for good. Through much counsel and the support of some good friends we have developed our own system of healthy communication.

It looks something like this.

*Preparation- If a tough conversation is worth having it is worth preparing for.  No dropping verbal bombs on your spouse as they walk through the room. And don't expect your husband to read your mind. Pick a time and a place. Plan for it. Think through the problem. Search for the root issue.

*No raised voices or personal attacks- This may be self explanatory, but think the total opposite of what you typically see on TV.  Make sure you are both sitting down. Take a deep breath. Use the calmest voice you can muster. Place your palms face down on your thighs. Refrain from personally attacking your spouse’s character, physical appearance or skills. Stick to the issues at hand.

*Speak for yourself and about yourself- It is important to remember that you cannot force others to change. You can only change yourself. You can also only speak about what you feel and perceive in the situation. You may think you know how your spouse feels and why he does what he does, but you cannot say with certainty. Let him speak for himself. Ask good questions and give him time to answer. Accept the answers as part of the overall dialogue. (Future blog coming on “Emotions”.)

*Expectations- It is good to let your spouse know what you expect from him. If you just need to vent and want sympathy, say so.  If you are looking for advice or a solution be very clear. Women are great at empathy and men are wired for solutions. For many years my husband kept trying to fix me. When I would tell him I didn’t want a solution he wouldn’t say anything at all! I had to let him know clearly what I was looking for. (As a side note: Every woman needs some good female friends. Please don’t expect your husband to fill those shoes!) Be clear in your expectations.

*Listening- Listen with your eyes and your ears. Look at your spouse. Take turns listening. Pretend you have a talking stick – or use a real one if needed.  (Just don’t throw it at him!) You can only speak if you are holding the talking stick. Do not give the talking stick to your spouse until you have completely finished speaking. Be patient and allow your spouse to give it to you indicating he is finished speaking. This helps the conversation move smoothly back and forth.  

*Echoing- This practice goes hand in hand with listening. Echoing is helpful in making sure you understand what your spouse just said. For example: Your husband just said, “I hate it when I come home to the kids shouting and running around and you complaining about how hard your day was all before I can even take off my coat and sit down.”

When it is your turn to speak you can echo him by saying, “What I hear you saying is that you feel frustrated when you come home to chaos and my complaining the moment you walk in the door. Is that correct?”

If this is not correct let him speak again and try to explain. Do this back and forth until you are both sure you are on the same page. Once you understand you can move on to finding a solution if he is asking for one.

*Messy is good- A messy dialogue is a potentially good dialogue. For stuffers it is a huge accomplishment to just get all of the issues and emotion out on the table. At least it is out! Now you have something to work with. Congratulations! Messy is good. Don’t let it stress you out.

*Time limit- Healthy boundaries are your best friends! During a certain phase of our majorly messy marriage my husband and I were processing through so many emotions and issues that we would talk late into the night, only to find ourselves exhausted, overly emotional and incoherent. We found it extremely helpful to set a time limit. If we had not settled the issue by the time limit we would take a break until the next time we could meet.

Also as part of limits and boundaries is the conversation ceiling. If at any time either one of you cannot stick to having a somewhat calm intelligent conversation and the volume, tension and emotion is beginning to escalate out of control- hitting the ceiling, please call a “time out” and postpone your dialogue until both of you can come back to the table calm and reasonable.

How do those guidelines sound?

This is not a professionally exhaustive list on how to make every potential fight a walk in the park, but if you adhere to even a few of these pointers you will be headed toward a better conversation with a healthier outcome.

Now… go have a “healthy fight”!