Word Power

“Honey, why does it smell like bleach in here?” I ask with caution preparing myself for the answer. 

I have destroyed a number of items with bleach in my day, so I approach the dining room smell -wary and poised for attack.

“I used some spray to clean off the table.” Says Husband trying to be helpful.

“What spray?” I ask, eyes widening with impending terror.

“The Clorox spray. This one.” Husband proudly holds up white spray bottle with Clorox green label.

“OH MY GOODNESS. NO! YOU CAN’T USE BLEACH ON A WOOD FINISH! YOU need to rinse it off RIGHT AWAY or it will RUIN the TABLE!” I spew out these commands trying to be as nice as possible, but in my head I’m thinking, “You IDIOT! DIDN’T YOU KNOW THAT! What were you thinking! Why would you do that? Dumb Husband.”

Pause.

I have a way of flying off the handle in a moment of crisis to fix a problem, but when the crisis is addressed and I look around at the aftermath of the battle no one is left standing among the rubble of cutting words, hurt feelings, shouted commands, broken psyches, and lost souls.

Uggghhhhh! I did it again. I opened my mouth. Let loose the gate.

Great…. What did I just say… What did I just think… Who heard all of that?

Instant conviction.

“May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14.

“My dear (sisters), take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for (wo)man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” James 1:19 & 20

My mouth has gotten me into a boatload of trouble – especially in my marriage.

Oh – It would be easy to blame “Hollywood” for their weak portrayal of the male race. They more often than not portray men in sitcoms and movies as stupid, unengaged, emotionally weak and only attuned to sports, sex and grilling large chunks of meat. On the flip side Hollywood seems to be saying that if men don’t hone in on those three areas but instead help with housework, enjoy the arts, cook well, converse with and care for others, then they must be gay.

Such stereotypes. None of them true.

I really have no one to blame, but me. I came into the world thinking my way was the best way. If you didn’t like it or didn’t want to do it then YOU were wrong- NOT me.

Some call this “a strong will”. I joke that my parents broke James Dobson’s book, The Strong Willed Child over my backside by spanking me with it. It is no secret in my family that I was the child who received the most spankings. I was VERY strong willed, stubborn and had my opinions whether I verbalized them or not.

My husband and I have both known couples from our past and present where the wife mutilated her husband verbally on a regular basis. We saw it in youth leaders, friends, and co-workers. Looking back it does not surprise us to learn that some of these marriages have ended in divorce, some have entered into Christian counseling, and some are just stagnant and emotionally dead. How sad.

In our marriage the heavy dose of counseling we received as a result of Husband’s infidelity (see Prince Charming post) opened my eyes to the role my mouth played in the health of our relationship. I could see the destruction my words had caused and were causing. Every time I tore down my husband in private but especially in public (like with my friends) I was willingly destroying a small part of his heart and a large piece of our marriage. After years of this, I can only imagine the condition of his heart toward me and the death sentence being served to our marriage.

Now here is the rub.

Does my husband do things that upset me? YES!

But do I NEED to respond by biting his head off or making him look like an idiot to our friends? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Not if I want a healthy marriage and a husband who in turn says uplifting things about me and shows me love.

Basically if I truly began showing him love and respect, he would respond with love and respect.

Instead of biting at my husband’s actions and character each day I could be looking for positives to reinforce. If I could only find one positive, then I reinforced that one positive. This took practice. I forced my mouth to obey and my heart followed.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29

This practice worked okay but I realized there was a BIGGER PROBLEM -my heart.

“The good (wo)man brings good things out of the good stored up in h(er) heart, and the evil (wo)man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in h(er) heart. For out of the overflow of h(er) heart h(er) mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45

YIKES!!!!!!!! What was coming out of my mouth was a direct reflection of what was in my heart!

I needed to pray and ask God to change my heart toward my husband so that my mouth would be true.

Funny thing when you ask God to change your heart ... He Does!

Oh, I’m not fixed forever (I wish), but on the days I pray that prayer, God is faithful to help me guard my heart and He fills it with good thoughts and gentler feelings concerning Husband.

The road to recovery is a lifetime gig. Each day we choose to move forward or backward. 

Lately Husband and I have been moving forward with more ease – but this only at the expense of previous pain. The pain forced some difficult communication to take place.

If you read the “How to Fight…Well” post then you know that I am not for stuffing all your feelings of hurt down inside in order to be Nice Wife, but am absolutely for full communication and understanding between both Husband and Wife. Work through the problems so you heart is true and you can grow in your love and respect of each other- training your mouth along the way. 

I’m pretty sure your husband will appreciate it. Just keep him away from the Clorox.

You can check out Husband's blog at www.aploddingpilgrimage.blogspot.com. 

Prince Charming - The Real Story

You know how every little girl grows up dreaming of the day when a handsome Prince Charming will come along, fall madly in love with her and sweep her off her feet?

Yeah… that was me.

(Enter narrator with breathy, dramatic voice.)

I dreamed nothing would compare to his romantically creative proposal for my hand in marriage. The wedding ceremony would be perfect. We would be surrounded by all of our friends and family. My dress would be white and lacey. The entire ceremony would be deeply meaningful and everyone would think this was the most beautiful wedding they had ever been to. The honeymoon would be beyond imagination. My new husband would surprise me with special travels and gifts and he would be gentle and loving as I gave myself to him.

The man of my dreams would be my soul mate forever. We would ride off into the sunset thinking each other’s thoughts and finishing each other’s sentences. We would spend time together and look out for one another. He would protect me and understand me inside and out. Life would be rosy and everyone would be happy.

(Exit breathy, dramatic voice.)

These really were my hopes and dreams. WOW was I naïve and full of unrealistic expectations!

A day finally came when the honeymoon began to fade and I began to see a few areas where ugly reality was breaking through my rose colored glasses..

“Hmmmmmm… this marriage stuff is harder than I thought. This isn’t quite what I bargained for.“

We were both busy working and he was in graduate school. He didn’t always have time to pay attention to me. We were tired and disconnected at times. Sometimes we didn’t even want to be around each other. I misunderstood what he would say to me and feel hurt. Sometimes we would fight. I had several blind spots that I was still blind too. And it turned out Prince Charming was hiding some skeletons in the closet. I was spending more days than not feeling overwhelmed, depressed and alone.

Let me give you some back-story.

I married my college sweetheart and thought nothing could make me happier. But within months of the wedding those skeletons I mentioned began to appear. The one that just wouldn’t die came in the form of a pornography addiction. This was supposedly an “old battle” that I was told had already been brought under control years ago.

Apparently not!

I can still picture the moment in our small apartment when I found the video he had rented. This video didn’t belong in anyone’s hands let alone a newly married man studying to go into ministry. I was confused. How could he do this? Did he lie to me about having this under control? What other explanation is there?  I felt totally betrayed, unloved, unattractive, and not good enough to please my husband.

No, no – let me say that again in the true sense of the emotions… I felt totally REJECTED, WORTHLESS, UGLY, USELESS, CAST ASIDE, DIRTY, NO GOOD!

I wasn’t sure what to do. I was devastated.

I felt sad and angry all at the same time. How do I handle this?

I needed to confront him… and I did.  

This confrontation began a cycle that would last for several years. It went something like this: He would view porn in some form or another. I would discover it. I would be devastated. I would confront. He would act ashamed. He would feel regret. He would apologize. I would attempt to forgive him. We would both try harder- him to live more purely and me to get over the pain and be a good wife. Repeat ad nauseum.

This is all I knew to do in the situation. I removed anything from the house that could possibly be a stumbling block. No clothing catalogues. No magazines with questionable pictures or ads. Filters on the computer. This stigma of “when will the next shoe fall” became the elephant in the room of our marriage. I was always the one to find the forbidden material (video, magazine, pictures, etc). He would never willingly confess of his own accord. We would go through our cycle and each time he would swear to try harder. Each time, I felt more hollow, lost and depressed.

Would our marriage be like this forever? Would we survive?

Our communication skills were horrible. We stuffed everything to look good to others.  We thought we were communicating and dealing with our problems, but they just got worse -as did our relationship. Eventually my Prince Charming’s porn addiction led him into an adulterous affair which cost him his career, reputation and our community of friends.

The pain and humiliation were unbearable. If you have ever read the 1850 classic, The Scarlet Letter, by Puritan Nathaniel Hawthorne you would understand the illustration from the book of wearing a red letter “A” for adultery,  as a symbol of shame and guilt,  sewn to your clothing, for all to see and by which to condemn you. The humiliation was palpable. It felt as if people were staring you through to your very soul; viewing every sinful and shameful act of your life.

The counsel and healing process that followed were absolutely brutal. True godly counsel is not for the weak. If one enters into it boldly ready to do the work healing requires, she needs the courage of a royal knight. She will need to slice open her own heart with her own sword and perform self surgery.

However…

The results of all this self surgery and relational processing are priceless.

PRICELESS.

We will never be the couple we once were. We are still becoming new –even now. We are both better for walking – crawling –maybe even being carried - through that dessert of suffering.

Now I am different, changed, new, better.

We are.

And we never want to go back.  

This blog is the outflow of our several years journey toward relational health and healing. We have by no means arrived but are fellow strugglers along the way. Join me in this community of support.  

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Check out my husband’s blog at www.aploddingpilgrimage.blogspot.com.